I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
