taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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