Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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