One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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