I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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