I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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