so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If its not for food we ain't going out.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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