I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
