Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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