Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
