she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
