The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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