She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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