Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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