Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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