Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
