dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
