just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
