i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
