I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
