I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
