i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
