you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
