Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
