Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
