That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
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