she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
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