but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So squirting runs in the family.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
