omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
