she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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