did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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