Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
