I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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