Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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