We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We left the knife in your bed.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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