I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
