These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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