When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
