Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
