Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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