I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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