The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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