so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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