They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize