I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
