Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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