Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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