I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
