guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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