i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
