you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
