I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize