thus making me awesome and them whores
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
