You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
