wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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