I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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