I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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