running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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