you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
